Lost And Insecure, You Found Me
by sunshineandlove
Summary: This story is about Lucas & Peyton in S5. It starts the same as the season did, but it ends quite differently.


**I intentionally wrote this story to give more insight into Luke's thoughts because I felt that the show didn't ****give half as much attention to that as was needed. That decision by the writers greatly deteriorated from the story that they were trying to tell for LP, honestly. & I wasn't the biggest fan of how they wrote Peyton's character in the last half of S5 either, so I hope I did her justice here! The story begins the same way the season did (5.01-5.11ish), but it ends quite differently. I still can't say if I'm 100% happy with it tbh. It wasn't easy to write, mainly because of how much it meant to me. Plus it was pretty long! Haha, so I apologize for any grammatical errors that I may have missed! :/ I hope you like it! I've wanted to write this story for I don't even know how long LMAO. Years. But it's my closure for S5, and the atrocity the last half was LOL! Also, thanks Biddy429 for your review! I fixed that! (:**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of the characters.**

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><p>She was back, and he hated it.<p>

He didn't think it would be this hard, but the second he saw her it was as if all that hurt he thought he had gotten over came rushing back to him.

He told himself he would hide his hurt and pride though, and learn how to be friends with her again. Their friendship meant too much to not at least try.

It didn't take long for him to realize he was naïve for thinking their friendship would come back that easily though.

He found he was far from being able to trust himself around her. These feelings he felt had had a way of becoming transparent with her. He didn't have much control over it, and he hated it.

She was different in a lot of ways, but she was as stubborn and strong-willed as ever. It seemed as if she was committed to making this task as difficult as possible for him. Like it wasn't already. It didn't help that he usually found himself completely amused when she was angry.

(A lot of her anger was directed at him for running away - after he ambushed that proposal on her in that hotel room. Maybe she put too much blame on him than she should've though. It took her a while to let herself look at the picture from the beginning. She'd made too many mistakes to want to accept that she had made anymore.)

Then she told him she still loved him.

He hates her for crossing that line. A part of him knew it was coming. When she kissed him, he couldn't do anything about it though. He couldn't turn away. He wanted it too badly, and in that moment it seemed all too real. She'd always win.

When the kiss was over, he came back to reality. He ran away from her the only way he knew how; into someone else's arms, somewhere where his heart felt protected. It didn't matter though, because after that moment, even with Lindsay, he can't remember a time he felt more terrified.

How could she think she could do this? Keep him out her life for three years, just to come back and tell him she loved him. Like she expected everything to go back to how it was? It was too late. It was three fucking years too late. Even if he wasn't with anyone already, how could he be with with her again? Or even believe her? He wouldn't let himself. The words she said to him made him want to _so badly though. They almost did._

When he shattered her heart that night, it felt all too fucked up. She couldn't fucking believe he would do this. It was like karma was playing this sick joke. When he saw Lindsay hold her ring up to Peyton, a part of him wanted her to feel that hurt - wanted her to regret. Then he saw her cry, and she broke his heart all over again. She'd always win.

But she was the one who left him behind bigger and better things. She was the one who broke _his_ heart. She was the one who never called him, not once. She was the one he wrote an entire book about, and never heard a word from. She was the one he put his heart on his sleeve for time and time again, only to get it stomped on. She was the one he always desired approval from, but never truly felt good enough for. She was the one he hated, and the one he loved. But as much as he tried to deny it, she was the one.

It took him a while to come to terms with what he was doing – how messed up it was. He hated himself for it – for not being able to let her go, and ruining everyone else's lives in the process. He didn't want to feel like this; he didn't want to want her. But he had as much control over that as the weather. So eventually the inevitable happened. He and Lindsay ended. He couldn't do it anymore. When he was able to finally accept the reality of what everything was, he broke it off with her. It wasn't a pretty breakup either; there was heartbreak and anger, but it was mutual, oddly enough. She cleaned all her things out of his house soon afterwards, and assigned him a new editor.

It took a while for things to go back to normal - between him and Peyton. He'd see her at random times throughout the next several weeks - just with their mutual friends or around town. It was weird, and he didn't know exactly how to act around her. She didn't know either. Haley told him that she was doing fine though, and that her business was doing well too.

Peyton eventually decided that they had been doing this dance around each other long enough. So she did what she always did: she mustered up the courage to face the problem. So she went to his house, and simply knocked on the door.

When he opened it, it took him a while to process what was happening. It seemed kind of surreal. A part of him thought they'd just avoid each other forever.

He invited her in, and it was silent for a while until she finally decided what to say to him.

She said that she missed him. Just him. Not them, but him. She missed her friend, and this person that meant so much to her. He found her eyes, and gave her an encouraging, sympathetic nod because he understood - more than anyone probably knew. He wanted her back in his life. He didn't realize how badly until she showed up at his doorstep. Just as a friend though, nothing more. But she made it clear that that's what she meant too. And so he told her he wanted what she wanted too; that they should rebuild what they had lost.

Then she told him that she was sorry for everything. And he was kind of taken aback when she said that - mainly because it just reminded him of why they were in this position in the first place. "I'm really sorry too, Peyton," he said genuinely back to her because it wasn't lost to him that he wasn't completely innocent in this mess either.

They end up sharing a smile – a real, genuine smile that almost ended up as a small laugh between the two of them. He can't remember the last time they were able to do that. He can't remember the last time a smile was able to make him feel like that either.

He feels like they're headed back – back to normality and friendship – the kind of friendship they used to have, way back before they ever decided to be anything more. It feels good, or at least better.

The next few weeks are good – great even. They're building their friendship back up little by little. After a few months they feel closer than they've ever felt in the past three years. They're able to hang out together - just the two of them. It doesn't take long for them to realize that the other is their absolute favorite person to be with. They already knew that really, but feeling it was more of a reminder than anything else.

She still loved him though. She told herself that she didn't - that she was over him, but that was simply a lie she made herself believe. It didn't matter though, because it was clear to her that he didn't want to be with her in that way, and their friendship was too important to her to ruin.

Hiding it was fine – for a while at least. It was fine until the inevitable happened. Because it wasn't like her love for him was unrequited or anything close to that. He'd like to wish it were though. It'd be a lot easier on his part. The precise opposite was the case.

It happened when they were alone together, and she didn't mean for him to take it that way. She definitely didn't mean for that sensitive of an issue to be brought up between them when things were going so great.

They were sitting in his house just hanging out when he mentioned something about his book tour from An Unkindness of Ravens. It was a little random, and she didn't really know how to respond to it. They hadn't really talked about any of this this, so she still felt like she had to walk on eggshells around him when dealing with this topic. "I really do wish I was there, Luke," she said, and decided to leave it at that. There was a moment of silence before he responded. "Well maybe you would have been there if you'd just shown up," he said. The bitterness in his voice wasn't lost to her.

And it's not like she could just let that go. So she asked him (not too politely) what that was supposed to mean. They never actually got to the point of standing and yelling, but the conversation was definitely a fight.

There were bitter words exchanged, and some truths revealed. He eventually asked her why she even bothered to come back to Tree Hill in the first place if L.A. was where she wanted to accomplish her dreams. At first she didn't exactly know how to answer that, because there really were so many answers to that question. So she decided to give him the answer that was pretty much related to every other reason she had.

"Because, I… I love you."

It was hard to tell what his reaction was to this revelation because his face contained none. It took him a while to process what she had said, but when he did, he only appeared uncomfortable and bitter about it. He didn't know how to take it. He just stopped talking, and turned his whole body forward (and away from hers) in order to create as much distance between them as possible.

She eventually saw he was trying his hardest not to cry. With his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands, they just sat there for a while.

It was awkward and weird, and she didn't know what to do. She wanted to comfort him, but it's not like she was expecting any of this to happen. She didn't know how he would take it if she tried to console him. She didn't even know if he was simply trying to hide his emotional state from her.

"Luke..."

"Just... please… could you please go?"

With a defeated look, she glanced at him.

"Why? Why can't we just talk about this?" She asked desperately and aggravated.

"Because there is nothing to talk about, Peyton." He said gesturing with his hands in aggravation, like the point couldn't be expressed enough.

"Well obviously there is something to talk about Luke!"

Silence. She didn't plan this. She didn't even know if she wanted this. But here it was right in front of her. She knew she had to be extremely careful or things could blow up in the worst way possible.

"Look, I'm sorry, Luke. I'm sorry. And I know you're scared that…"

"Don't, Peyton…"

He wasn't looking at her at this point. He hated how he still felt so completely powerless with her. She always did this, and he hated it.

"I was… back then... _I loved you_, but I was just so scared..." she said trying to make him understand.

"You're always scared!" His voice was raising now.

"Not anymore." She pleaded with him to understand.

He looked away again shaking his head. He got up off the coach. "I hate you." He didn't say it with anger though; it was sadness. His words still stung and took her by surprise. Once she was able to compose herself, she told him harshly that she hated him right back.

He was a different person. She remembers the hopeless romantic he once was. Who was the man now? This man who was so afraid of love. Did he believe in it? When did this cynicism come? This darkness and hatred? Did she do this?

"We can't do this, Peyton. _You_ can't do this," he told her in a soft voice. The conversation had taken a 180 now. Instead of yelling, it was calm. That just made the both of them even more terrified for what was about to come. "You can't come back three years later, and expect everything to go back to how it was, Peyton – like none of that bullshit ever happened." He was becoming more and more vulnerable by the minute. He didn't say how badly he wished he could forget it all. How baldy he just wanted to believe and forgive her. But he couldn't forget it. He couldn't forget how she had made him feel - the hurt, the tears, the darkness. How he still felt sometimes because of it.

She had tears forming in her eyes. She got up off the coach because it's not like she could just sit there any longer. She stepped slowly towards him. His face turned from hers, but his body didn't.

"You only want what you can't have, Peyton. That's why you want me now."

"What? No. That is not true!" she said with as much conviction as she had.

"Yes it is. It's how it always is. You say all this now, but... I'm never enough for you."

"No, what are you saying? That's not true!"

He shook his head in disbelief like that was the answer he had to everything she was saying.

She could only wipe the tear running down his cheek, and whisper that she wouldn't ever hurt him again.

He softly grabbed the arm that was wiping his tears, and just held it. He looked her in the eye. "You told me… you told me all those things, and then you just… you changed your mind. How could you do that?" His words were breaking her heart. "How could you do that to me?"

"I didn't know..." Her tears were falling now.

"Three years, Peyton. You didn't give me anything. You didn't even…"

"I was... I just… When I was out there, I lost who I was. I lost the people and things that I loved. It took me a while to figure that out, but I know now. Does any of that make sense?" She was pleading with him to understand. "I know I made a lot of mistakes, Luke, but I can't make that one again. _I won't."_

"How am I supposed to believe that?"

"Because I'm here now. Please, believe me."

He lifted his hand to wipe a tear from her cheek. He couldn't stop himself.

He was still trying to fight her. Trying to fight this overwhelming feeling to give into her. He had been fighting it since the moment she came back. It was quickly becoming too much for him. The conflict was written all over his face – between his head and his heart.

"Do you still love me?" she asked him.

"You really hurt me." He choked out. "I don't know how to forget that…"

"We can talk about it…" she said. "I'll be here... I'll always be here."

But she always won. His head was still screaming, telling him that this was all wrong, but what his heart was saying... he had no choice but to surrender to it. He loved her. He fucking loved her too much.

That was when his mouth began to lower over hers. It happened very slowly – so slow that she almost didn't realize it was happening.

When the kiss was over they came back to reality. It was almost hypnotizing, the effect it had on the two of them. The kiss was small and simple, but the weight it held was significant.

"You know, someone one told me that the darkness doesn't have any answers. That all this garbage and pain, it isn't healing or poet; it's just garbage, and it's pain," he swallowed some fear. _"What if I did still love you?"_ he softly asked her with the most vulnerability she'd ever seen him have.

And so her eyes became just as vulnerable.

"I know I've done so many things to hurt you," he said softly, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

It didn't take long before Peyton kissed him in response. That she forgave him too. This time the kiss was faster and harder. They quickly found their way to the bedroom. Clothes were quickly shed. He kissed every part of her body. "Don't be scared," she whispered. When he came, he told her he loved her for the second time that night. There was no hesitation in his voice.

They both cried, and they held each other until the morning came. There was a lot of pain and fear that was overcome that night. It was love that defeated it.

Luke was the first to wake up the next morning, and at first he didn't know exactly know how to respond to it all. When the memories came back it was hard for him to believe it all. That morning they both felt lighter, as if a huge weight had lifted off of them - as cliché as that sounds.

He went to make some coffee, and spent the rest of the morning looking out the window until she woke up.

However, the feeling wasn't simply just butterflies and rainbows though. When she found him in the kitchen, she asked him if everything was okay.

She went to sit next to him, and that's when he decided to just get it out. "I'm scared right now."

She had hoped they were behind that, but she'd be naïve to think their problems would just disappear in a night.

"It's not you, it's just. It's all of this past. I'm letting go of it, and now, I can't describe how I feel. It's like I'm a new person. It's like this darkness is gone, and there was so much of it, Peyton. I'd gotten so used to it, and it's like... I'm relearning this new feeling. How to accept it you know? I can't remember a time when I've felt happier. But that... it scares me."

She nodded at him to let him know she understood exactly what he was saying, "Like you're terrified to just let yourself be happy because you never know when it could just all go away?"

"Yeah," he said. "But this happiness... it feels so good, too good... to where I can't not let myself feel it," he said smiling and kissing her temple.

"Yeah, I know," she said back because that was exactly how she felt right now too. They were one and the same.

"I love you," he said, like it was the only he was really sure of in that moment. It was the only thing that mattered to him. "And I... _I trust you._ It's hard though, you know? I've feared that for so long... just trust in general. But I don't anymore," he smiled at her again. "I'm still getting used it, but I believe in you. I mean that. I always have."

"We can still talk about it you know? The past."

"I know."

And so they did. They talked about the entire four years - where their problems started, the book signing, Julian, Lindsay (& all the bullshit that went down there). They talked about their broken hearts, and apologies were given. They even talked about high school, and how that affected them. But above everything else, they understood each other.

He asked her about L.A., and she told him it was great for what it was because that was the truth, but in the end, it just made lonely. It didn't have him. She learned a lot there, but she pushed a lot of people away while she was living in that city. She ended up feeling more alone than she ever had. In a lot of ways she broke her own heart. It was something she did almost unknowingly; she put so much effort into her job that she didn't notice everything important in her life drifting away. She gave it all up in return for something that was false. L.A. was important to her though. It had felt right back then. It had was her life for three years. It was held a lot of dreams she aspired to achieve and happy memories too. It was when she finally was forced to take a step back when she was able to realize what went wrong. And the lessons she learned from that were ones she wouldn't give back for anything. She knew what her priorities were now.

So she came back to Tree Hill with the bruised ego her failures had given her, and the mistakes she made continuing to haunt her. At first it was hard. Really hard. Harder than she expected. She was starting over on her own. And then there was Lucas. This boy who had always been the one to fix her her heart was now the one breaking it. She didn't run though. There were a lot of moments where she felt like it'd just be easier to give up. But she then there was Brooke. And everyone simply being there for her.

It took her a while to find herself again, but she eventually did. She realized if Lucas never came back to her, she would be okay. She loved him (more than anything), but because of that she let him go. She did it for him. She just wanted happiness for him - _even if she couldn't give him that._ She also let him go for herself. She was Peyton Sawyer; relying on herself who she was. Facing Tree Hill was incredibly messy and difficult at first, but it got better with time. When has difficulty ever stopped her though? So she fought those battles. And in the end came out on top._ She always managed to though. Gracefully._

Somehow through all the pain and struggles, love managed to find its way to her. Or maybe that was just Luke. His love for her simply wouldn't stop. It was only a matter of time before the thought of her hurting because of him became too much. _She was his angel after all._

He spent most of his time being truly amazed by how strong she was. He didn't get it sometimes - her ability to wear her heart on her sleeve like she did. How she could rise above all of that. Without her, he had lost himself; he didn't know what to believe. It scared him sometimes, just thinking about the darkness he had felt. But she saved him. She fixed him right back.

The way he made her feel made all the hurt she experienced seem a lot less painful. He always had a way of making her feel happiest. He gave her a courage and strength - just by loving and believing in her. She made him feel the same way. Like they could conquer anything in the world together.

"You know it was always you... It got hard sometimes though... _really hard_... loving you. But I never stopped, not once," he said.

"Likewise," she with a tear just about to fall from her eye.

When they finished talking, the weight was lifted even further (if that was even possible). It was a pure feeling.

After their conversation, they decided to get into Peyton's Comet, and just drive – the destination wasn't something they really cared about. They didn't talk much on that ride. They just drove until they found an empty stretch of beach to sit on, and spent the rest of the day there.

With Peyton in his arms, he told that she was his, and that he was hers, and that nothing was ever going to change that.

And that's how they spent the rest of the day – just the two of them lying on the beach in each other's arms. Preparing to face the world, but with the knowledge that they'd have the other by their side.

Their relationship progressed gradually after that day. It was the most delicate it had ever been. It was also the most intense it had ever been too.

Lucas' book was published a few weeks after that day.

He proposed to her a couple months after that by the lake where they first met.


End file.
